Warning: This post is rather shallow and materialistic - but then again, aren't gold medals?
Deprived of anything productive to do all weekend, I spent my time camped out on the sofa watching the Olympics. New Zealand made Saturday evening entertaining enough (see previous post), but there was a lot more on offer for those who had the time (and I had oodles).
Track & Field events have always been more entertaining to me than the swimming or the team sports - though gymnastics is worth a look in. I used to think it was because I like watching people run fast. But I'm fairly certain it's not just about that - it dawned on me, midway through a beer-punctuated Sunday afternoon, that track & field girls are really rather hot. This spawned a mass trawling of internet image sites (showing the obvious deprived state of my sorry self) to find more athletic booty - here's the ten contenders at Beijing that I'd like to..."set a lap time with"?
10. Shelly-Ann Fraser
The picture isn't great - but noone knew this girl until she caned everyone in the 100m final. She's 21, still has braces, but the most perfect shoulders I've ever seen on a black girl. Plus she was the friendliest, smiliest 100m sprinter I've ever seen before a race - the rest are all hardened and fired up, while she just looked like she was there to have fun. That kind of attitude wins big with me.
9. Ivet Lalova
There are far better looking photos of this 24 year old Bulgarian sprinter online, but I wanted one that shows off her navel tatt. She does have that Eastern-European arrogant air about her, but then again, she's hot and she knows it. She reminded me of a whiter, skankier version of Eva Longoria. That (and the tattoo) might be the only reason she really perked my interest.
8. Jennie Finch
She's not my type, and softball's not my sport, but there's no denying Jennie is a looker. She was voted Hottest Female Athlete by ESPN viewers in 2004, but she's just a bit too Beauty Queen for me. Plus all her publicity shots with Bush don't go down well in my ratings book. However, she must be a decent pitcher - America have decimated all in their path to gold in Beijing.
7. Laura Ludwig
I wouldn't say I've been disappointed by the beach volleyball - guys and girls alike with fantastic physique flexing muscles on sand is hardly disappointing - but not a lot of the women are very...attractive as such. A nice face means a lot to me, probably moreso than a nice toned body. Maybe that's why I like Laura - she's got that cute German face to go with the smooth curves. Plus she's not too bad at volleyball either - though they did get put down by the Chinese and the Austrians.
6. The beach volleyball cheerleaders
OK, so they're not athletes. But they are at the Olympics, and lets face it, these girls are just here to look hot. Which they are. Gold medal.
On a separate note, much as I love the cheering, this only further lowers beach volleyball's reputation as less of a respectable Olympic sport, and more of a blatant exposition of the flesh. It's not like you see bikini girls introducing the events at the pool, or hot water girls for the high jumpers.
5. Sandra Izbasa
Before you get worried that gymnast may = minor, let me assure you that Romania's gold medalist Sandra Izbasa turned 18 in June. She won the floor exercise - by far the sexiest gymnastics section. Poise, style, grace - use what words you will to describe a successful gymnast - I'm mainly picking her because she's damn good looking.
4. Alicia Sacramone
Yes, another gymnast. No, she's not 12. Alicia from the American team is actually 21 later this year. But she's got that hot teenage cheerleader look, and fantastic skin. What makes her better than Sandra? Well, age difference aside, Alicia is a little less like a skeleton (I prefer girls who aren't wafer-thin; I'd rather not have to think twice before hugging them in case they break), and I'm hoping the language barrier would be less of a problem with a girl from Boston. Girls are far sexier when they laugh, and it helps if they understand your jokes...
3. Stephanie Rice
Triple gold medalist Aussie Stephanie is worth more than her medals' weight in...uh...gold, as far as looks go. Thankfully she hasn't cut her hair short like some of the older swimmers - she's only 20 - and its a perfect complement to a pristine set of shoulders. Not to mention swimmer's legs...
2. Ezinne Okparaebo
Ezinne is the third 100m sprinter I've included here, so maybe I have a thing for fast girls. The 20-year-old Norwegian certainly looked out of place when she lined up - sporting serious makeup and looking fantastic. Not like she couldn't run - she made the semis before the Jamaican storm swept her away. If she needs some consoling, I'm here.
1. Allison Stokke
A picture says 1000 words, and most of the ones that expel from my mouth when I see this picture start with "fuck" and end with "holy fuck". Admittedly it's a tremendous shot, but I can't see how you could take a bad photo of this American pole vaulter. Key point? Skin. It conjures up words in me like "glaze" and similes involving milk and baby's bottoms.
The punchline, however, is that she's not even at the Olympics! But to be honest, with a picture like this, I'm not holding it against her. Sadly I'm not the only one who's attention she's grabbed - there's some fairly inane and spammish sites dedicated to Allison and how badly people want to see her in Playboy. I pray to God she doesn't - morals are one thing, but I've honestly never seen a naked pic of a celebrity that I liked. Sports Illustrated? Tight athletic clothing that shows off maximum skin? Now, that's a different story. It's always so much more fun to dream.
Speaking of dreaming, I'm off to bed, and I'm taking Allison with me.