Room with a "Good View"

So I'm staying in this hotel in Zhangmutou, a small town that's a part of a big city, namely Dongguan. If these names aren't ringing bells, don't worry - China is very particular about the details it shares about itself, and while Beijing and Shanghai are a little too inconspicuous to keep from international eyes & ears, I doubt many people could name even the third largest city in China. Funnily enough, 3 of the 17 cities China has in the largest 100 in the world are in close vicinity, but to be honest in China its hard to tell what constitutes a city: everywhere seems to be a vast conglomeration of both nature and man - forests cropping up between hunks of apartment block. Its like the whole country was shaken in a giant 8-ball. And from the state of some places, you get the feeling people haven't picked up the pieces afterward yet.

Anyway, I was here to tell you about the hotel. For those of you playing the Google Earth game (and if you're not, you should, it gives you an immense feeling of power and affection over the entire world. How else can you fly from Spain to Vietnam in under 10 seconds? With Google Earth, everyone is Jesus) my hotel is located here. Mind this won't work if you don't have the Google Earth program. Wise up.

It's called "Hotel Good View", and as far as views go around here, it's hard to get any gooder. The view itself is equal parts beautiful and disgusting, kinda like looking at a model with mustard on her face. The hotel is apparently 5-stars, and its certainly a cut above some of the places nearby. The staff are hardcore with their aim to please, but sadly I have no idea what most of them are saying. They're not very good with gestures either; they don't make any, nor do they understand even the most simple ones (a girl didn't understand 8 fingers meant 8 people when we came down for breakfast at the restaurant). Now I know how every English teaching American white guy in Japan does when someone tries to talk to you in Japanese there. I never realised how useless it makes you feel. That's because I have all this splendid Japanese talent *shine*

The place has a "Mermaid" theme. I hear you say "Of course it does - that makes perfect sense", but I also hear the sarcasm in your voice, you cynic. They have a massage parlour which stinks of bordello, and a club which stinks of "strip" - the girls are all lined up outside to greet you if you walk by, and it feel like one of those "pick a girl, any girl" kind of places. But apparently they're actually nothing like that (I wouldn't know, I haven't been to either); they're genuinely just a club and a massage parlour. Trust my Anglo-Saxon self to jump to seedy conclusions. It's only because in New Zealand the only guys who would go to that kind of place would be seedy in the first place.

This evening I came back to find a questionnaire asking me how I liked things to prepared in my room each day. Sadly I think my suggestion of "several girls in lingerie djing" is going to fall on deaf ears. Some of the questions were legit, like "how often do you want your sheets changed?" But then some of them were just borderline OCD. I mean, "do you prefer your toilet seat to be up at all times?" which to me suggests they will be jumping in here at all hours just to check on the toilet. "How do you like your curtains?" Um, "Hanging by the window" should be just fine. Thanks. Now bugger off.

I can't really describe the place much better, so I decided to take some pictures. But then I realised pictures don't really show much in this case, so I shot a video. Then I couldn't upload it, so I cut it in half. So, without further ado, I give you my trip home yesterday evening, in 2 parts. Its mostly just a camera out the window of a car, and then I had to wind the window up so its a lot of darkness, but hey, modern art is shit.





Edit:
Later in the evening, I just got my laundry back from housekeeping. I ordered the Same Day Service, but I swear I didn't order the Shrink Wrap service. Oh well, I'm Kiwi, I can improvise (see below).

Notice my look of disappointment. Also notice my underwear. Its hard to make a plastic bag work for you.