Incommunicado

Disclaimer: We now interrupt this long period without posting to give you uninterrupted China.

And I was on such a good roll. Regular posting on my blog, 10 hits or more a day (albeit many of the non-regular viewers are finding my blog off Google searches for "how to fire a machine gun"). But then what had to happen? I had to come to China. Of all the places.
China is not Google's friend. Blogger is inaccessible without a proxy server, and good random ones are hard to come by (I tend to find the most success with pretending to be from Argentina). Plus uploading vids in China is near impossible, with virginal bandwidth (is that a bit coarse?). Finally to make matters completely dire, China recently banned youtube for a considerable time, not-so-discreetly in time with the Tibetan protests. Hmmm. Even a proxy wouldn't get through that mess. I refuse to comment. Well, maybe later.

Even had I time to post, we've been absolutely consumed by Pikachu and his cute friends. Again, that's a post for another time, but let me just say that Nintendo, though a very interesting company to work with, can be awfully bureaucratic at times.

Firstly, after such a long time off, I must say gracias and salut to mi amigo David, who unwittingly doubled the hits on my blog over the course of a weekend. As I mentioned in a previous post, David has something of a following in the Spanish blogging world for his insightful and educational comments about life in Japan and the Kansai region. Even if you don't speak Espanol, his blog is good for pics from Japan, and occasionally some videos to boot. No out-of-focus neglected bicycles, however. Don't get your hopes up.
Anyway, David gave me a blogging high-five when he linked me the other day, on a post that was about none of than...my girlfriend. "Eh?" you may well think, and when I say it was a post on White Day, Japan's second half of a two part Valentines they do, that "eh?" may well repeat itself. You're probably making the same face that Americans did when I told them I was staying in Las Vegas with someone who I met "on the internet" (ie. couch-surfing).
It is indeed funny. But I don't mind - he's a good bloke (well, as far as I can tell). Mio modelled for him last year, and he got some pretty good shots actually. You can check them out here (or if that doesn't work, just click his name above and scroll down to 14th Marzo).

David's brief mention that his cute model happened to be my object of affection caused hundreds of Latinos and Spanish to pop over here and check me out. Not many stayed (fair enough, I don't write in Espanol, nor much about Japon), but it was enough to make Spain the country with the most viewers of Machine Gun Salaryman. Ironic huh? Kinda like when somethingawful.com posted a link to a voraphilia site. That many people viewed something they didn't necessarily want to since Meg Ryan's boobs in In The Cut.

In case you were wondering, the top 5 countries viewing my blog are:
1. Spain (by almost double)
2. Japan
3. New Zealand (Kia Ora!)
4. United States
5. Mexico (thanks again, David...)
(there is also someone from Mauritius who stumbled on here. Neat!)

I was going to put up pics of China, but instead I'll wait til another post, seeing as this one is getting lengthy. I'll leave you with the top 10 most played tracks on my iPod, for general pulp interest.

1. Sexual Sportswear (SebastiAn Remix) - Sebastian Tellier
2. Beautiful Burnout - Underworld
3. The Boy Who Ran Away (Riton Extended Dub) - The Mystery Jets
4. I Choose Noise - Hybrid
5. What's Your Damage? (Digitalism Remix) - Test Icicles
6. 14h54 - Danger
7. The Fallen (ruined by Jus†ice) - Franz Ferdinand
8. H.A.L. - SebastiAn
9. 1967 Aww Shit - Steve Aoki & Junkie XL
10. My People - The Presets
...huh. Don't think I could have picked any of those. Would have said this was in there.

Shoestrings

Disclaimer: This video post contains frittish filming of noisy machinery. Not recommended for nature-lovers or epileptics.

Got back to Japan today. I've had plenty to blog about, but most of it involves videos or photos, and Chinese internet wasn't being user-friendly when it came to youtube or blogger. Now with the power of Japanese bandwidth, let me hit you with some posting.

Continuing the vein of Chinese factory postings, I visited a factory that make woven products this week. They were nice enough to show us around (I was nice enough to tell them their factory was clean, but they should really stop leaving products outside to collect dust and grime from the air). One of their chief production lines is dedicated to something I wasn't expecting: shoelaces. Don't know if these were Nike or what, but walking into the shoelace manufacturing room was a new experience if there ever was one. Literally hundreds of tiny machines bustling with mechanical motion, carving out repetitive actions that weave the fibres into the fat cord you struggle to knot when you're only 5 years old. As I mention on the video (though you'll struggle to hear me over the commotion, which I feel is the best word for it), "like manic typewriters". It looks down and dirty, but apparently the machines are only between 5 and 10 years old (usually with a lifespan of 15 years). Not stunning, just...mysterious. And kinda scary, in a way. The machines have such activity it feels like there's going to be a mechanical uprising at any minute.

Meanwhile, these guys also make lanyard straps. Which also involves hyperactive machinery. Enjoy.

What did you do today?

Disclaimer: The post features childish mischief.

I burned Pokemon toys. With an acetylene torch. On the stone floor of a Chinese factory.

I can't believe I can say that.

What's there to love about China?

Disclaimer: This post involves time zones that may not coincide with your own.

Week one has passed in China, and I'm only here til next Friday, so it feels more like a casual fling than a committed relationship. I can't really get settled, always thinking about the next cuntry to enter around the corner. Oops. I mean country. See what I did there? That's rather coarse of me.

Can't say I love the air here. Or the water. Or the traffic. Or most of the food (I prefer my Chinese in moderation). Or the lack of reliable places to shop, lack of friends (and the remote location of the ones who are here), cold apartment and slow internet. That's about enough to get my point across.

However, there is one thing that does make being in China worth the while...brace yourself...the work. Isn't that just wrong?

To illustrate, let me explain my average day in Japan and China respectively. If you get bored, go check out...this song. Then find and marry SebastiAn. Because he's French and quite simply too amazing for you not to want him.

The Average Day At Work in Osaka

- Wake at 7am, out the door by 7.30
- Work from 8.45 (after morning aerobics/meeting)
- Reply to emails from curious US customers
- Meeting regarding current status of developing projects (usually kills an hour)
Lunch (12-1pm) Eat from local convenience store, play Halo 3 with coworkers, win comfortably
- Ask Chinese staff about production issues, schedules
- Chat with design team about work they're doing for US projects
- Kill an hour on facebook or blogspot
- Hurriedly write emails I forgot in the morning
- Decide to leave making invoices til tomorrow
- Leave work at 7pm

Average Day at Work in China

- Wake at 7am, out the door by 7.30
- Coffee at McDs, work (at factory) at 8am
- Look at emails, realise I don't have time to reply, call senders to explain
- Drive to outsourcing factory
- Complain to outsourcers about current status of products, solve production problems, request new changes, argue over deadlines and costs
Lunch (whenever)
During lunch eat at greasy Chinese restaurant or get takeaway KFC if we can't stop
- Drive to molding factory
- Discuss changes to molds, solve about 3 problems with design of new molds, receive coffee
- Turn down offer to go to dinner
- Return to HQ factory, check production line, scare Chinese staff, solve production hiccups
- Check emails, decide to receive replies til I get home
- Leave work any time between 7pm and 10pm
- Follow-up emails at home leisurely until around 2am

What's the difference? Well, its not obvious on cyber-paper. But I never left the office on the day in Japan. And I ran out of stuff to do. Getting paid to browse facebook might sound nice, but it gets old.
In China its about going everywhere, work in hand, and dealing with the nitty gritty of making stuff people might someday hopefully buy. Its finding solutions to problems that would decide if we get paid or end up losing money on late shipments. Its the hands on the mutha-funking big rig wheel. Ha - ironically I saw one of those rolled on its side on a highway yesterday. Hopefully I drive better than that. Knock on fake Chinese wood.

I don't like this country. But I do love the work here.

I realise this post looks a little dull without a picture, so allow me to include some shots of the place we ate at on Friday. It's the only Hu Nan restaurant I'm willing to eat at - not because I'm prejudiced, But because Hu Nan-ese tend to like their food really fucking hot. I mean, god damn. Think about taking a chicken, feeding it chilli for a year, then serving it in a bath of peppers. I'm serious. Well, about the peppers.
This place is more mild, and I love the decor. Especially the Mao bust.

For those of you who were wondering...

...that's me.

Oh, and this is my 50th post on my blog. It only took me 18 months...

Finally!

On my third attempt, I finally managed to get this on camera.
It occurs every morning at my company, like many traditionalist companies across Japan.

I'm kinda happy the quality is bad and I don't really infringe on anyone's privacy with it, because after all, I did record it candidly. There's no way they'd agree to let me to if they had known.

Anyway, without further ado I present to you, straight outta the wops in South Osaka, the much awaited (well, by me), Radio-Taisou (aerobics) morning routine!



Check out that soundtrack. That's from dubya dubya two, that is. Nearly 70 years and they still haven't updated that song. Though there are 2 or 3 "movements" to it (the second one is actually kinda scary). Number 1 (featured) is the most famous. There isn't a kid in Japan who doesn't know (and probably loathe) this song.

Can you imagine them trying to get kids to do this in any English speaking country? And yet even 40 year old somewhat-masculine guys here don't complain. Nor do they have any sense of rhythm, as you can see.
FYI, I'm the one who comes down and faces forwards quite far from the camera. You can't see me after everyone closer by arrives.

After the taisou is the morning meeting, which I cut out for boredom/privacy. Move along, nothing to see here.

"Where America's Day Begins"

When you work in a Japanese company, the word 'vacation' isn't one you hear in the office very regularly. This isn't because everyone speaks Japanese and they say "休み" (yasumi) instead. It's because, well, Japanese don't really go on holiday, at least not often. When they do, it's always 2-3 day trips, so they can surround the weekend and not lose a week of work. You're not likely to find a week long tour program designed for Japanese in NZ, because noone would use it.

So when the boss told us we're all going on company vacation as a reward for a bumper year, I assumed it meant we were all going to get a half day off to play golf or shop. Turns out we were going to get a MASSIVE 3-day trip to...Guam? I was not expecting to head somewhere I had to look up on a map.

3 most famous things about Guam:
1.) American naval base.
2.) uh....
3.) I'm out.

I probably know Guam better than you - well, obviously now I've been, but even beforehand. In Japan, it probably makes the Top 5 Most Popular Travel Destinations for Japanese. To sum it up, it's like the American Okinawa, which is the Japanese Hawaii. So its the American-Japanese-Hawaii. No, not the same as just "Hawaii".

After having spent 2 days exploring a portion of the main island within the confines of our tour options, I can say the following:

1.) Guam culture is a soft-collision (or an indifferent near miss) of three cultures; American military and the American legislation, Guam locals (the Chamorro) and their laid-back, Micronesian style, and... Japanese tourists. The island is essentially bi-lingual, and if you want a good job then you gotta learn Japanese. American may have won the battle for Guam, but without Japan's tourists coming en masse to enjoy the beach, Guam would need serious financial aid.
2.) It's not a US state (obviously), but on all accounts it should be; it has a governor, you need an American visa to get in, people drink Bud and Miller Lite... and one of the most popular tourist attractions after the sand and surf is the firing ranges. Although I guess in America the guys on the streets would be pulling the gun on you, not calling out as you walk by "Hey bro! You wanna fire a gat?"
3.) Shit's expensive. All the wonderful delicacies of American culture (see: Reece's Pieces, Oh Henry!s, Taco Bell) have to be shipped across the Pacific to get there. And the local stuff has to be expensive so the locals can make a living. Thus, like any good tourist spot, it ain't cheap.

Still, despite a lot of people saying to me either "Guam has nothing", or "Where's Guam?", one thing it does have plenty of is coastline, and that's more than enough for me. I ached for 3 days afterwards from all the wake boarding, scuba diving, para sailing and jet skiing. That's not to say I achieved anything. I'll have to give the wakeboarding a serious go before I can stand up regularly (I don't know if it's being tall or having bad balance, or just being plain old clumsy, but I only stood up once from around 30 tries). The scuba diving wasn't exactly taxing, seeing as none of us had a license to dive far. I was surprised how simple para sailing was - kinda like a big back to front swing. Its easy to forget you're suspended 30-40 metres above the water by straps no bigger than seatbelts - that is, until you look down. Oh, and when you weigh as much as me, and hit the boat on the return with enough momentum to skin your knee, you think once was maybe enough.


Despite being rained out on the second afternoon, Guam was a typical Pacific paradise, only slightly marred by the military and tourism. It's a bit out of the way and not exactly cheap, but if you've got time and money on your hands, there's certainly plenty to enjoy. I figure you may as well hit Thailand though, if you want the same longitude without the US navy.

Lunch Break

The last few weeks work has been slow (hence the sudden burst of blogging), so I thought I'd use the chance to show you how in-the-middle-of-nowhere our factory is, and what I usually do for lunch. I guarantee nothing in terms of how interesting this video is. Apologies for the schizophrenic filming too: most Japanese do not expect you to be wielding a camera in a convenience store.



I'll commentate for it later, and there's also a second half to it, but for now it's bedtime.

Fast Times in Dongguan

WARNING: This post, like all posts I make after an interval, will involve a reflective moment on how slack I am. To skip this, press the Start button, or merely don't read the first paragraph.

There's a lot of drive required to post on a blog in China. For one, you don't get paid. Unless you quit your day job or your social life, you'll never write something that will make you famous. It's pretty much like writing a diary or doing your tax. "I'll do it tomorrow" is always an adequate excuse. China doesn't help, by conveniently making it impossible for you to actually read your own blog. Like talking with headphones on, you soon wonder if what you're saying isn't coming out funny.
So I'm pleasantly impressed that I have made it to 28 posts on this blog, and only slightly disappointed in myself that I haven't posted since July. There's one other really big reason: my already bulging work hours have increased. I now work on average 78 hours a week, at a hourly rate of approximately ￥950 (NZ$11.10/hr). It's really hard to justify that pay rate, though I would say I'm benefiting experience-wise. Difficult to quantify "experience-value" though.

A lot has happened since the last time I was free (and eager) enough to write. August saw a brief trip back to Japan, and Summer Sonic Music Festival, featuring a bunch of bands I loved, but mostly ones I had only just heard about. Highlights included Digitalism, Editors, Fall Out Boy, 30 Seconds to Mars, Bloc Party, The Fratellis, Vitalic, Klaxons, Goo Goo Dolls, and for you pop fans, Avril, Gwen and The BEP. It also provided interesting opportunities to check out bands I never thought I see (or necessarily want to): The Offspring, Sugar Ray, and Jose Gonzalez among them. The Offspring are fun with a Japanese crowd, even after all these years, because they all know the lyrics and shout them at the top of their lungs. 30 seconds also provided a massive crowd of screaming fans - Jared Leto gained himself a whole new fan club with his Hollywood smile and emo suit. He's talented, that's for sure, but either his mike was too low or he has no power, because his voice was lost amid the guitar. He also severely tried my patience when he told everyone to put their "diamonds in the sky" and "promise each other we would never forget this day as long as we live." For a 40 minute midday set when you're not the headline act, I think he was asking a bit much. Noone was going to forget... until "Pretty Fly For a White Guy" was played later that evening.

Fall Out Boy surpassed my expectations, especially as I've seen them 3 times - they just play good music, like to mix it up and really get into the crowd. The Japanese crowd really get into them too - deep contrast with the guys who watch the indie bands, any band that can remotely called "punk" attracts a bunch of guys who really like to jump up and down. I must admit, I prefer this kind of Japanese crowd to anything you'd get in New Zealand. This time around Fall Out Boy's highlights included a slightly parodical version of R. Kelly's "Ignition" (to which Mio had kittens), Michael Jackson's "Beat It" (very cool) and a hip-hop intro on "Dance, Dance", along with the now obligatory "Dancing Roadie", this fat guy with an afro who moonwalks and destroys his dignity in a selfless moment of entertainment. This time he came on in faded boxers and socks. Hilarious in a slightly concerning way.

Anyway, music was August's highlight, but when September rolled around, I was transferred. Originally working on a large project for Nintendo, I was moved to take a slightly smaller but more appropriate project - communications for an American customer project. The move involved a change of factory, moving into an apartment, and changing the guys I work with.
The apartment is insane - you'd never get anything like this in Japan. With a living room that rivals our house in New Zealand, and 4 bedrooms, at 50 bucks a week per head, its the upper class of China at student prices. Check out the space and the view.



The guys I work with now are some of the most liberal Japanese I know - they're into talking on level terms and respect that people have lives outside of work. In China we're in a perfect position to get away with things that are not possible in Japan due to expectations from customers, such as more casual dress and taking 90mins for lunch (we sometimes work til 10-11pm and don't get overtime for it, so I'm fairly sure we deserve a long midday break). It feels more like an "as long as the work gets done" kind of atmosphere, which is nice because it promotes a good office vibe. The project leader is a 40 year old guy who would give me a run for my money on crazy sense of humour (he has slightly odd moments, like pretending to eat PU foam bread and impersonating our translators, but it makes him all the easier to work with). The other guy came to the company slightly after me, has passable English and after working as a cram-school teacher for years, he's a pretty with-it guy. It's also awesome to have someone who understands (or tries to) my English jokes.

The other members are two translators, who are "Korean-Chinese", meaning they are from the peninsula area near North Korea, and as their ancestors are Korean, they speak Korean at home, and thanks to the Japanese occupancy of the past, learn Japanese in school (unlike other areas of China, who learn English). Their Japanese is pretty good - they didn't study university level like me, but still impressive), but good God they have no control over the volume of their voices. If one of them gets on the phone in the office, the noise is unbearable and no human could work under the conditions. Part of it is the accent, but I think most of it is that some Chinese have this irritating habit of talking at the same time as other people. Interruption is rife in this country, and I have come to a zero tolerance attitude with it: if I'm asking the translator to convey something and the other party start talking, I "Oi!" at them (well, as politely as possible, but a line must be drawn). I'm sure it doesn't earn me friends, but honestly, it's impossible to communicate if what you said never gets heard. Fight fire with...louder fire.

I have plenty of small stories I could make a weeks worth of blogs with, and if I get the chance I will, but for now consider yourselves mildly up to speed. Like the title suggests, a week is not a long time here, really. Blink and it's Wednesday. I have approximately enough time before lunch to check 2 emails. So at least working overtime doesn't get to me - there's always something to be done. Hell, otherwise we'd go home.

Industri-chaos

Warning: This rant, while being mildly educational and occasionally sniping, is probably too "work-related" to be genuinely entertaining. Can you blame me? I worked 85 hours this week.

Let me provide you with some insight on a common misconception about China. What do you know about the country and it's people? Do you figure everyone here who doesn't know kung fu and lives in temples in the mountains is working in a sweat shop, toiling away industriously for pittance a day? Well, you're partly right. Right about the pittance. Right about the toiling. But sometimes I wonder if what they do can be referred to as "work". I mean, labour, sure. But "work" for me sort of indicates a systematic and intelligent approach to a project, with rules and deadlines and...order. Obviously nobody told most of China.

Let me say that I'm only basing what I write on 3 months experience with 4 supplier factories in South East China. To generalise the whole state of the nation on just this would be a mistake, but I still think a lot of it is valid in a lot of the country. China has to be one of the least industrious industrial nations around. You'd be surprised. It's not because they don't work hard, it's because they don't work smart. It's like building a giant brick wall in record speed, only to find you left your car keys on the other side. Ask China. They know a lot about giant walls.

Some of it is people being stupid. We lost production for 2 days in one of our factories at a crucial time. Why? Someone forgot to order the packaging materials. Did you think we were just going to stuff all the products in a duffel bag and carry it to the customers? Here's your (out-of-)order, sirs.
Some of it is just how this funny old country seems to operate. The same factory fuelled our frustrations further the other day, by suddenly reporting
"oh, we're due to increase production, but we don't have electricity..."
I'm sorry? How are you planning to run the machines? On rice (and bad Asian stereotypes)?
Admittedly they couldn't have seen this coming. Or maybe they could have. They had applied to the power company 2 months in advance, asking for more power by the required date. But when they called up to see where it was, they were told they had to wait a month. Warning? None. Options? Well, a healthy bribe was only able to reduce this delay to 10 days. Reduce loss to only around $70,000 in production. So complain to the government or legal system? Ahem. The power company is owned by the government. They ARE the legal system. This is why I love communism. All equal, some deified. Sure, trying to organise the electricity for over a billion people must be a bitch. But that's no reason to change the rules at will.
C'est la vie? Well, if you work here long enough you should be able to pick these things up before they cause you strife. Ask for power "now" one month in advance. Surely this isn't the first time the government has broken promises.

Some of what is going on here is good, it's just done in such an intense an unrealistic way. A factory somewhere else in China was recently exposed to have heavy underage labour. Not the only one probably, but it made waves. Suddenly the local government turned around here and said "Over-16 year olds can be hired, but if they're under 18 they must only work 8 hour, 5 day-weeks, and only day shifts." I agree. But how about some warning? I think everyone would like to know a several weeks beforehand that they are going to have to find 70 new staff.

This week has been a hectic juggle of problems to try to balance product quality with quantity. One factory, scheduling to be making 25,000 units a day by now, are too busy repairing the product molding machines to produce more than 300 pieces. Not that they reported any of their problems to us. Nor is there any real desparation, or intelligent thinking about how to solve this problem. It's as though they figure they'll make what they're supposed to, on the timeline of "eventually". They're sad they're not getting paid yet, but their first reaction is not to solve the problems quicker, but to ask us "can we ask you to pay for all the materials we used to make bad products?" What, so essentially give you money for screwing up? Sure. Let me write you a cheque. I'll sign it "jackass".

Some Chinese are very intelligent. Some work their asses off for little money. But it would appear that there is rarely a combination of these two traits in one person. Which probably makes sense. If I was smart and Chinese, I wouldn't work a crap job for bugger-all either.

Thoughts from work

Were you looking all over for me?

Things I've pondered while killing time at work in a sweltering factory office in China:

- What are all the workers in the factories thinking when they stare me like that? They ALL do. And when I smile or nod, most of them just keep staring. Freaks me out.

- Do the weird bugs that come out of the woodwork after sunset in droves here have malaria? How about senses of humour?

- Delayed orgasm is kung-fu. I could explain the train of thought that led me to this, but I think it's more fun if I don't☆

- Do planets in deep space smell like wet sawdust if they're uninhabited, and oil if they are, like in my dreams?

- Are fake boobs vulcanised? That would make a fun ice-breaker at parties. Or a party game: "Vulcanise The Boob (On The Donkey)".

- What would AnPanMan be if he forgot his underwear? NoPanMan? You need a background in Japanese humour to fully appreciate how cheesy that is.

- Why trilogies? For that matter, why prequels?

- Do dogs in China know they are going to be eaten, any more than sheep in New Zealand do? That may have been in bad taste (I don't know, I've never tasted dog)

- How many people around the world have made a complete fool out of themselves in the last 5 minutes?

- I hope Michael J. Fox is doing OK.

- The cheeky Hong Kong sales rep from our factory supplier looks like a beaver. And his colleagues look like a cat and a bear Now that I can see that, I can't "un-see" it. Getting kinda scared that animals are talking to me.

Last but not least, I heard THIS on the radio here today. Booya.
This one is a little more odd... "Sekai ichi no, Hiiro!"

Intarweb, I heart you so

My email was down at work today. This is a regular occurence in China, apparently. Someone decided to send me a 4mb picture, and my computer spent 6 hours (and 4 failed attempts) trying to download it. I hate Outlook because you can't choose what emails you want to download. If someone decides to forward their work to the whole company (a regular occurence), then I have to download and sift through steaming piles of useless email.

So, no email = no work here at the moment, so I had to kill most of the day looking busy while not getting bored.

The Top 5 Websites I Visit While Bored At Work (while trying to look busy)
1. Wikipedia ("Geek's Paradise")
2. Yellowfever.co.nz
3. About.com
4. Isohunt
5. YahooXtra

Number 5 is to keep up with news at home, fullstop. Number 4 is to *gasp* download shit at work! I know this sounds naughty, but for all the strict rules run at my company, one thing they don't do is monitor net traffic. The connection is far from lightning, both here and at the Osaka office, but I can get most of an ep of 24 at work, to get the rest and watch it that night. Fabulous.
About.com, which I have been neglecting of late, is to learn Spanish (why else?). "But shouldn't you be learning Chinese, Timothy?" I hear you inquire. Firstly, it's Tim, please. Secondly, Spanish is an awesome language, my girlfriend speaks it, and I'd like to add another notch to my language belt, if only to have private conversations with her. I have far more motivation to learn Spanish, but that's the way my whole life has been run: every major decision I've ever made was decided by a girl. It's worked out so far (well, sure there's hiccups, but all in stride).
Number 2 is the fansite of the newly born Wellington professional football team, the Phoenix. I don't really do board posting, but I think I may have finally found a board I am willing to share my opinion with. Sure, there are other boards that share my interests, but techno music boards just aggravate me because everyone is slightly arrogant over how much they love their electro.
Wikipedia, which would be dethroned by YouTube if I had access to sound at work, is the most fabulous invention utilising the net ever. Freedom of information on a mass scale. YouTube is the most entertaining site, but Wikipedia is the most interesting by a long shot. Maybe its just cos I'm a geek. I even use wikipedia regularly as a work reference, and for translation research. So you can imagine it completely busts my balls that you you can't access Wikipedia from China. I mean, that kind of attitude can make a guy hate a country in a heartbeat. Or at least hate the guys who run it.

I thought it was awesome that the last 3 days I've been unable to access my blog from the net here (as in, I could edit it, but I couldn't view it). I thought I'd been censored nationally for my comments on the nation. As it turns out, the net was just screwing up. Sad; here I was thinking I had a fairly impressive impact factor.

I'm a postmodern and popculture whore - sure, not as much as Chris, I can't stand Britney or Good Charlotte and I won't buy a Louis Vuitton wallet, but I love me my movies, gigs and fashion, yay I do's. So here in Anti-diverse-culture Central, where sure there's ads for Coke and make-up, but I'll be damned if I can find a film festival or drumnbass gig, the net is worth its weight* in gold.

*Wikipedia says the net weighs a mere 35.24 metric tons**.


**Of course it doesnt. Or maybe it does. How the hell should I know - I'm NOT ALLOWED TO LOOK IT UP.


~~Oh, you weren't laughing at the question, just the colour of my shirt~~

On a personal note (a bitch session)

So I'm not very happy tonight. I'm in this funny halfway place at work, where I'm Sales but I'm working with the Production and Quality Control guys, and I'm on one project, but the majority of work I actually get completed is for a different project, one I'm not actually directly attached to, so it takes me twice as long to get anything done on it, because I don't know jack about it. Then the guys I'm working with get pissed because all my time is taken up on this other thing, and they don't give me any work to do because they don't think I can cover it, which just makes me focus more on the other stuff, and them angrier. It culminated today in a mass ignoring session, where they decided I was almost on the bench for the whole thing. I couldn't let it slide - it was all really childish - and brought it up in dinner for a big heart-to-heart, where they slowly outlined and cut down my pride in a series of constructive criticisms.
The horrible thing is, they couldn't be more right and more wrong at the same time, and try explaining all that in a different language to guys old enough to be your father. I'd rather try my chances at a Vegas craps table.

It's true, if you compare me to anyone in the company (or any Japanese over the age of 15), I'm horrible at the Japanese part of my job. Research in English is hard enough - try it in an Asian language and watch your confidence plummet like a flying whale. So I end up asking questions instead of looking information up, which leads to asking what seem like lots of pointless questions. But its either that or spend 5 hours trying to find a symbol in 18 pages of symbols. So I need to get better, but I'll only do so if they rely on me more, and they won't until I get better. Curse of the novice. Its a well you have to work your ass off to get out of, but its a lonely process in this case.
Sometimes I wish there was another guy who sucked at Japanese as much as me in the company. The Chinese guys aren't perfect, but its not their position to be so. You could say its not mine either, but most of my work isn't talking to Americans, its talking to Japanese.

My seniors aren't bad guys. They just need to stop carrying me and then getting angry when I can't walk. But it's hard for them too. They've never been through this either.

Work sucks eh?

Letter of Assurance

No, this isn't a post to assure you I am alive. Well, maybe in a way it is. I haven't posted on here in so long and I have to apologise for that - not that I'm assuming I have regular readers, but I figure anyone who knows me and was hoping to use this as a way of telling double-you-tee-eff I'm up to must be either screaming at the computer saying "Blog, you white bastard!", or have given up hope and have compiled messages for my eulogy. Hey, free to dream.

But I think that if I apologise now, I'm just going to do it again, and apologise again, and then the integrity of my remorse will slowly become dented until even grovelling at the feet of strangers I bump into on the footpath isn't going to be taken seriously. Not that that would in the first place.
My point is, would you mind if I just jump back in and write something random, pretending I'm just picking up where I left off, and you can somehow fill in the blanks by giving me a call, or searching for me on wikipedia (NB: I'm under the alias "Minamoto Yoshitsune". Its a name suppression thing).
Would you do that for me?

Thanks, you're a pal. And no, I didn't wait for you answer before I typed this.

Anywhooo, the motivation behind my sudden desire to blog is really quite basic, but I thought it was worth a laugh and to tell the world about, or at least MY world (You hear that? You're my world). I received a mail today from a material company directed to a factory we are using (for those of you who just tuned in, I work for a mid-level Japanese plastic manufacturer). The mail content was generally uneventful, but the last paragraph, defining the point of this "Letter of Assurance", went like this:

Assurance for the end use
We will use the goods for civil use only. We will never use them for the development or the manufacture of weapons for mass destruction such as nuclear, biological or chemical weapons and missiles.

This is how I read it:

We will only use our powers for good. We will never use them for the development or manufacture of weapons of mass destruction (see appended list of potential WMDs we could make with this), or for assisting in the evil schemes of bad guys or their efforts to take over the world.

I mean, its only plastic!? What are they going to do, make explosive Barbie & Ken dolls? I hardly see terrorists flooding the switchboard with calls demanding plastic outer casings for long range missles. The best we could do is manufacture the switches. Hmm. We may well be a high level agent in the axis of evil. Good thing we signed this letter of assurance. Now noone will know we secretly make official Al Qaeda lunchboxes.

I'm off to China next Monday, for a 6 month business trip (I don't think that really counts as a "trip" though, more like a "business live". Should be interesting - I'd love to say that I'll post all sorts of crazy stuff that goes down in industrial China (I'm sure its a barrel of deep-fried monkeys). But sadly, more likely than not I will spend all my time working, getting drunk and procrastinating, like I did with the seamonkeys - and look where it got them: dead. Would you like to be dead as a result of relying too heavily on my blogging? I don't think so. Then may I suggest you don't sit up by the computer waiting for the next instalment. I mean it. Turn off the monitor and go to bed now. You heard me.